5 Years and Counting...

Today is our 5 year wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe that just 5 years ago today we were just one boy and one girl deeply in love, in college, and after 5 years of dating finally saying 'I DO'. It was so awesome. We knew from the beginning we were each other's one and only no matter what happens- good, bad, and the ugly! And now 5 years later we are a family of five. Wow- time flies. But one thing is true. I love Johnnie Ray Reagan more than I have ever loved him. He is a loving and caring husband, father, son, brother, and friend and I want no one else to be by my side forever. He lifts me up when I am down and makes me laugh like no one else. He knows me better than anyone knows me. He loves me like no one else loves me. He gave me three beautiful children. He is my everything and now as we enter the second half of the first decade of our marriage I just pray that I can be the best wife to him. I pray God continues to teach me how to love him and build him up as the leader of our home. I pray that we just become closer and stronger both together and in Christ. I pray that my words will be sweet and true, and that I bring him more joy than pain.

I love you forever and ever more Johnnie Ray. You are my best friend, my love, and my man.

Thank you for always loving me.

I love this song. Sometimes marriage is like dancing in a minefield, but the good news is that we have eachother bring us back to home base where we are safe. And if we are on the right path, our marriage can bare the light of Christ.

Dancing in the Minefields

I haven't posted in a while. And I dont have a lot of time now.

But in a sentence: I just love Jesus and I'm so glad I know Him - really really know Him.
Just wanted to declare that today because if I didn't have Him I would be a way bigger mess than I am.

August 4th, 2011...Jeremiah

Just 24 hours ago I was waking up in my bed to the sound of my Labrador retriever Maggie pacing my room and the feeling of imminent labor- my water was breaking! I woke up sweating, what felt Iike my water was leaking a little, and contractions were coming on...strong. Well, I had our bag packed for the most part so I just needed to add the last few essentials like toothbrushes and such. Trying to be a sweet wife I was going to wait to wake johnnie until everything was ready to go. I took a shower ( I know I know but I was hot!!!), made the bed, got dressed and was ready. I went and told johnnie- "it's time
Baby!" he was up in a flash making phone calls. One thing I failed to do was call our baby sitter who was coming from stephenville- 35 minutes away... Yeah that should've been the first thing I did. Because by the time I was done getting ready the contractions were strong and fast. Our hospital is also 30 minutes or so away so that made daddy a little nervous!! 

But as soon as the best babysitter in the world ( seriously- who jumps in their car at 5 am 35 minutes away no questions asked??? Love her) got pulled up- we pulled out and on our way. 

We got to the hospital- before walking in I asked johnnie to pray for us. He prayed a beautiful prayer and then we were ready. I really wanted to be focused on the creator- the one
who is blessing us with this child in the first place. Without Him- this wouldn't be happening anyway! 

So about 6:30 I got into my room and it really began, then before I knew it my baby boy was here! Born at 11:58 am we made it before lunch! And I only pushed for 8 minutes... Now that was the longest 8 minutes of my life ( my epidural was not very strong by request because my last two were too strong! I wanted to feel something!- and oh I did!).

Then I got to hold my sweet new baby boy on my chest for a whole hour and a half! I fed him and we were bonding from the word go. It is so amazing. How did I do that? Just when I thought I had nothing left- God pulled me through. He pushed him out of me- because I know I didn't do that. With each push I thought " God is stronger- he can do this!" It was so hard and it hurt really bad, but how amazing that God blessed me with this miraculous event for a third time! 

This sweet baby boy has already stolen so many hearts. But this is my sole desire for this child and I prayed this over him when it was just us: to love Jesus Christ more than anything in this world and to come to know him at a young age. I pray that God will use Jeremiah to do his work and that he will light a fire and passion in him that brings glory to
God. We are so thankful to be his parents and I just pray God will also teach johnnie and I how to lead him to be a Godly man. 

I am so overwhelmed with awe, love, and peace right now. I couldn't be happier. Thank you dear Lord! 

Old Friends, New Friends, and Good Times

I had a special treat last night....no, not another hot fudge sundae with extra nuts. However, I did have some amazing table side smore's at the this awesome place. I had an evening with my very best friend in the world, Andrea!!!! Just us, no kids, no husband, no body but us! It has literally been years since we were able to do that. And the last time I saw her was when I was pregnant with Chloe ( do we see a reoccurring theme here...?) You know you have a true friend when you don't see each other for 2 years and you pick up right where you left off. It was great. We just talked, laughed, and even did some shopping!  Love that girl!

Today at work I was given another special treat! My coworkers and sweet girlfriends threw me a surprise baby shower at my favorite Fort Worth cafe, Cafe Brazil! Again - amazing food! Can you tell I love food?? There were tons of gifts for Jeremiah, and even Chloe and Jacob! It was so sweet and I am so thankful to work with and know such sweet thoughtful people! I was loaded up on diapers, wipes, soaps, lotions, and tons of other stuff. It's amazing how many people care about this little man who hasn't even arrived yet!

So two days in a row I was treated to some great times with great friends. This is not a common occurance for this mommy. Getting to spend time with just the girls is a rare treat! I must also add a huge awesome bonus to these two days was the amazing sale I hit at Gap. I got 14 items for the kids for $56. I had a $25 gift card - making my out of pocket hit only $32! Do the math people - you can't shop at target that cheap!!!! Woohoo!!! Super excited!!!

I'm in a great mood! Not just because I was given gifts or got some great deals on clothes - that was just bonus. But because I am truly blessed with so many people that love me and my little family. I have so much to be thankful for. I hope I can be as good and loving of a friend to them as they are to me.

3 day weekend here I come!!!!! More good times to be had this weekend!

Words can Hurt

Like I said recently, I think God is trying to teach me just how much He loves us. And He is using the greatest tool He has to get to my heart, my kids. This morning around 5:30 AM, Jacob woke up and said he wanted cartoons and milk. Well, neither Johnnie nor I wanted to get up so we were asking Jacob who he wanted to get it. He said, " Daddy, I like daddy better." BROKE.MY.HEART. Immediately a flood of thoughts come to my mind:

- I carried you and God put you together and made you who you are in MY tummy
- I gave birth to you
- I sacrificed my body, looks, and stretch mark-free skin for YOU
- I never sleep through a night because of you
- I love you more than you will ever understand
- I am your one and only mommy
- I would do anything for you

( Now I know daddy is way cooler than me- and this post is nothing against him at all)

The list could go on and on. And I know that my three year old little boy had no idea what he was saying, but still - words hurt sometimes. This made me think, " he wont appreciate me until he is a daddy waking up with his babies." And really this is probably true. I didn't truly appreciate my mom and the sacrifices she made until I became a mom.

This had me thinking - this must be how heartbroken God feels when we choose anything over him. Sin, work, friends, fleshly desires, earthly desires, money, food, whatever. How he must ache with pain and I bet he thinks, "But look what I have done for you? I am your one and only creator and father. I let MY son die for YOU. How could you treat me like this? How could you just push me to the side like this? Don't you know how much I love YOU? Don't you know I am capable of conquering all things? Don't you know you are everything to me?"

I never want to know I've caused that pain to anyone! Especially God. My creator. My savior. The only one who promises me a future and an everlasting life. I want my life to bring joy to Him and for my life to be a light to others. I want my Heavenly Father to know just how much I love Him and that He is my first priority. Because when I show my love to Him and I learn more about Him, I learn how to love others more wholly and I gain the desire to be better and to love others greater and deeper.

I hope Jacob appreciates me long before he is a daddy. And I hope that is because God has shown him how to love and how much God loves him.

I love you more.

On Wednesday I will be 33 weeks pregnant with my third child. This weekend I had a baby shower and when I was going through the gifts Sunday night it had me reminiscing over my first two babies- the excitement, the newness, the fear, the baby showers, and just all of it. As I organized the objects, I walked by Johnnie and said, "Here we go again..." It just amazes me how much has occurred in our lives in three short years.

A little over three years ago I was a first time mommy. Everything I had ever wanted in life I held in my arms. Then 20 months ago I got to experience it again, that time with a baby girl. And now I will have one more person to love in a few short weeks. It's so hard to believe I could possibly love one more person as much as I love Jacob and Chloe. In a way I am sad, because I know this time will come and go so quickly. I look at these newborn onesies, and it is hard to remember a time when Jacob or Chloe would fit in them. I have such a mix of emotions right now. I'm so excited to meet Jeremiah and see his sweet face and discover who he is. However, I also just want to cherish these last few weeks as a family of four and spend some extra special time with Chloe and Jacob. Chloe has become so attached to me lately. If she sees me even pick up my purse or say the word, "Go" she busts into tears. I think she knows what's coming and I want nothing more than for her to know how much I love her and that no one can ever take that love away. She will always be my baby girl.

It's also weird to think of all the different stages we will be going through: Newborn, Potty training, Jacob just growing into a little man. At least once a day, Johnnie or I say something like, "He's so grown up, I can't believe how mature he is getting" and "she's so smart!" And last night we were discussing moving the beds around. Baby gets Chloe's crib and Chloe will go into a big girl bed! Johnnie just about cried, he is not ready for his baby girl to grow up. And neither am I. Why can't we just pause time for a little bit? One thing I am so looking forward to is maternity leave. 6 whole weeks with all three of my babies! I can't wait. I'm sure it will be hard and tiring but I am ready.

On the way to the baby sitter today Jacob, Chloe and I were all going back and forth saying, "I love you!" , " I love you more!" " No- I love YOU more!" Nothing sweeter than your babies saying they love you. I guess that's how God feels when we genuinely express our love and gratitude for Him. I think that's why God gave people children, and maybe it's why he continues to give Johnnie and I children - so we can truly understand how he loves us and ultimately how he desires for us to love Him, who is so worthy. I know how much I love my children. I know I would go to the ends of the earth for them - so I cannot even begin to fathom how much He loves me. I don't know where I would be without these three children. No, we've never gone on many vacations, we don't have the best house or stuff, and we don't have a lot of money, but we have an awesome family that loves eachother and more importantly is continuing to fall in love with Jesus.

Summer Fun

This is what summer is about:

 Watermelon!!!!!!

 Getting feet wet in the lake!!!!

Playing with friends.... who would have thought a cooler of ice and two three year olds would be so fun!?

Johnnie

Is it weird that the more I learn about my husband, the more I watch him grow in his relationship with Christ, the more trials we go through together, and the more I watch him as a daddy-husband-son-brother-follower of Christ...the more I fall deeply deeply in love with him? Almost ten years together and I love him so much more than I ever thought possible. I can't imagine how I will feel in ten more years. I'm thankful for you Johnnie Ray and I love you more more more more.

I'm so ready

I am so so so ready to have this baby. And there is a part of me that feels guilty for being so anxious. Shouldn't I be enjoying my two babies, and enjoying the miracle of a child growing and living inside me. A child inside me that I can feel move and grow- it really is an amazing gift from God.

But there is this selfish part of me that wants this baby out for a few reasons:
1) I just don't feel well! I've never felt this bad- this early in my pregnancies! But if it isn't contractions, it's just an upset stomach, or all over soreness!
2) My skin looks terrible! I always break-out like a 16 year old girl when I am pregnant, and well I am not exactly "glowing." I just feel blah every I look in the mirror.
3) I so want to go running. I so want to throw on my skinny jeans and feel good about how I look in the mirror. I so want to be able to bend over, sit down, or a walk a few steps without groaning or being out of breath.
4) I want to meet my boy!!!!
5) I want to feel pretty again!!!!!!


Now, I know that was a laundry list of complaints and whines and for that I truly apologize. Everytime I think of a complaint, I think back to what Pastor Jeremy said on Sunday and at the women's event, Ignite, "You are not a victim! You have VICTORY in Christ!!!" So basically, stop looking at everything you feel you don't have and everything you think you need/deserve and be grateful that you have victory in the savior, Jesus Christ. Because by Christ, I have been given this (these children) and the ability to carry them in my stomach; by Christ I have been given new life; by Christ I am victorious in all things because he has rescued me from -  my fears, pains, insecurities, and the desires of my flesh.

Heavenly Father, please forgive me for my complaints. Forgive me for feeling that I am due more than what I have at the present moment. God, give me the strength, patience, and peace in knowing that you will provide me my needs and desires as you see fit. And please open my eyes to see the miracles that are happening before me, both in my body and my family. I am so thankful to have a loving father like you and I pray that I can raise these children you have blessed us with to honor you. Thank you for giving me victory. I love you and praise you. In your oh so Holy name I pray, Amen.

IGNITE!!! This weekend is the annual women's retreat at out church, Stonewater. It is my first year in attendance and so far it is awesome! I am even getting to spend the night away in a hotel! However, we went to bed super late and as a trained by my kids mommy of two( almost three) I was up bright and shine at 5 am. Part of that was being super congested and not being able to breath. I also think part of that was an answered prayer asking 'God - wake me and give me the energy and desire for quiet time." He brought me to an awesome verse. Romans 8:25, " but if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." pretty awesome. Perfect timing. When I pray I tend to pray with a "give it to me now" or "fix this now" attitude. When really I need to just be grateful that he will even accept my prayers and trust that his timing is way better than mine. His plan is much more thought out and more importantly, his plan is complete. He already knows the outcome of my life. And as I was reminded at the conference last night, he numbered my days and he knew me before I was created.His plan, though his timing may scare me- is perfect. His plan does not fail.

So when you are anxious or overwhelmed or depressed or feel like you have failed everyone around you including God-pick your head and heart up and lift your eyes to the Lord. Trust that he has a plan and a purpose for every second in your life. And pray that in all you do you do it with honoring Christ as your motivation.

Romans 8:18- " I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

The glory of our father will be revealed in us! If we accept him, honor him, love Him, and trust him!

I praise God for his timing and his plan. I praise him For bringing me to this passage because it gives me so much more trust and hope in Him. Because, truthfully- He is the only thing I should ever hope for.

Praise You In This Storm

I've always wondered if when I go through a really tough time if I could still be able to drop to my knees and praise Him. And though this "storm" we are going through is nothing compared to what some endure in this life, it is still a difficult mountain to climb and it is what God has laid before us.

I broke down today. I think it might have been the equivalent of a panic attack/anxiety/whatever, but I have never experienced before- I am usually pretty chilled out, atleast I think I am. I was already a little on edge and jittery from my coffee, but as I was preparing my lunch I started to freak out- breathing heavily, heart pumping like crazy and a million scary " how are we going to do this?" and "how did we do this to ourselves?" questions along with uncontrollable sobbing. I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't be in control anymore, because obviously my ways just weren't working. So I ran to the bathroom, cried like a baby and just gave it up. I told God to take control, because I just cant do it anymore. And for the first time I really did just surrender this situation to him. I want to please Him. I want to honor Him. And most importantly, I want to PRAISE Him.

At the end of the day, some amazing things have happened:

A) I was shown mercy
B) An opportunity has arisen
C) I am humbled
D) I want nothing more than to drop to my knees and praise him for my failure. Praise Him for allowing my sins, failures, and poor choices to be turned into brokeness that leave me running to collapse into the arms of my Savior.

All day long, I was singing these words in my head

"I want to sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand, lay back against you and breath, feel your heartbeat, this love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melt at your feet. It's overwhelming."

It truly is overwhelming that I am loved enough to be saved. That someone so perfect and sinless died for ME. That I can be looked at as if I have done nothing wrong. I can't express my love for HIM in words. I just pray that I can always remember this every second of this life. And that I can be humbled when I think I have it figured out. And I pray that he will break me down whenever I need to be broken. Because it is in this brokenness that I draw closer to him.

So, for the title of the post, here is the song I was thinking of, Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns:


I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Bleh

I dont know what it is. Maybe the fact that Johnnie is working nights and I have a lot of alone time. Maybe it is exhaustion. Maybe it is being pregnant, not having any clothes that really fit, and being hot all the time. But I am just in a funk. Kind of sad. Kind of lonely. Just bleh. And I know what I need to do, but I feel like I have screwed up so badly I dont even know where to begin. So, really I am just sad. And I know this is wrong and does not come from up above. It actually comes from the complete opposite. But I guess I am just needing something to get me back on track...

Waiting. So, when we first found out we were pregnant and even before that- Johnnie and I decided we wouldn't find out the sex. Well here I am sitting in the sonogram room waiting on the doctor. All the while I am praying I can be patient enough to not ask the sex even though my impatient controlling self reallllly wants to know. I can do this though. I need to work on the virtue of patience. What better way? Right??? Lol

Jeriah

The other day Jacob told Johnnie and me that he had a “friend.” He sleeps with him, prays with him, reads books with him, he has blue eyes, brown hair, and his name is Jeriah. Jacob has mentioned an imaginary friend in the past, but he never gave us this much detail, so I didn’t put much stock into it. But when he told us this friends name I thought it was so unique, so I had to research it. When I googled it, I found that it means “taught by God.” I got chills. Then I looked in my bible and asked around, and it is in the Bible- but it's more so genealogicial information and there isn't that much info- it is in 1 Chronicals 26; proving that he did not learn of this name at school or at church.  Is the Holy Spirit working in the heart of my young three year old little boy? With amazement and praise I will pray to God to continue working in his heart and lead him in the path of the Lord.

And maybe this imaginary friend isn’t much of anything and I’m reading too much into it. But I believe in God and I believe in prayer and I do believe that God will capture a heart at any time he desires no matter what age… I want to dig into scripture right now.

Things that are makin' me smile

Some of my favorite things lately and just put a smile on my face:

1) Jacob calling spaghetti- "peggy" (this one took us a while to figure out what he was talking about...)
2) Chloe saying "tank-ooo" for thank-you- so stinkin' cute!
3) Jacob is constantly talking about booger's and poopoo. Yeah, this is probably gross and I should be discouraging him to talk this way, but when he looks at you and says "I love you more boogah!" You cant help but laugh at the things children find so amusing!
4) Watching my kiddos play together- nobody makes Chloe laugh like her big bubba!
5) Saying grace at dinner. Jacob usally says it and it is always interesting to hear- Chloe holds my hand super tight and says, "May-men" for Amen at the end.
6) Learning more and more of how to be a better wife and actually doing it!
7) Hearing God- he is stirring something inside me right now and I'm anxious to hear him!!!
8) Baby Kicks :)
9) The book "Crazy Love." It is so amazing and convicting!
10) Sitting on the back porch with my family in this beautiful weather grilling, playing, and eating popsicles. It has been awesome and I am so looking forward to the spring and summer!!!!

Winks from Heaven

It's kind of funny how God chooses to speak to us sometimes. Sometimes it feels like He is just sending me a little wink telling me where to turn my eyes and my heart. I've had a few today. On my way to work this morning I had a conversation with my mom and she said something that I took as a criticism of me as a mom, sister, daughter- whatever. When I got off the phone with her, I began going through different events of how I have to come to feel this way and I felt like I was living the "idle time is the devil's workshop." Yeah, he was working on me trying to get me to be upset with my mom and make it into waaaaaaay more than what it was. Then, trying to escape the thoughts, I turned up the radio on 90.9 and they were starting a sermon on criticism and how to deal with it and how, really it will never end as long as we are on this road. It kind of just made me smile back at the wink God had given me. It was as though he was saying- "it's okay, I can (WILL) help you overcome this- I got your back."

But still, me being me, I just had a wierd feeling today. I felt like I wasnt growing the way I need to be. Sometimes I just feel like I let days pass me by and I dont make the effort towards growing in Christ like I should be. And when I feel like I have failed- I tend to get really down on myself and I just get sad at my failure - which is a sin within itself. These doubts don't come from above. So, as I sat at my desk eating my lunch I read this Devotional and it gave me hope and yet another wink. It's obvious I need to be turning to scripture way more than I have been.

Then, as I was reading that blog, I was listening to some music because for me music definitely helps me to refocus. And I turned it to Sanctus Real- seemed like that kind of day. And the first song I heard was, "Forgiven" and the lyrics were definitely another wink.

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I'm reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget

In this life
I know what I've been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

I'm forgiven
I'm forgiven
And I don't have to carry
The weight of who I've been

Cause I'm forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I'll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I wrestle with my pain, struggle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

When I don't think and I don't feel like I belong anywhere
When I don't measure up to much in this life
Oh, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ.

Cause I'm forgiven

I know I am forgiven even for these sins of doubt and fear. Though I don’t deserve it, I am grateful and I should still be able to take this day as a way I have grown. I know I need to turn to scripture more and "the secrets of the kingdom" will be revealed. Though I will never measure up to Christ- I am a treasure in his arms. Glad I can feel those winks.

Overwhelmed by this love

I know I haven't posted in a loooong time. And well, it's not like I really have a following, but still I feel kind of guilty for not continuing something I started. I don't like that about myself, sometimes I have these grand ideas and then I don't always follow through. Anyway, that's not the point of this post.

I would just like to say that I am so incredibly overwhelmed by the love I feel from such an amazing, awesome, powerful heavenly Father that I have. There have been so many ups and downs, but it seems like no matter where I am I find so much peace in him. And I find so much peace in seeing how he works in our lives. Last weekend, Johnnie and I were blessed enough to go on the Marriage retreat put on by Stonewater. It was AMAZING! I feel so reconnected to Johnnie and I can really feel God's presence in our marriage. We were able to focus solely on each other and where God is and isn't in our marriage. I feel so refocused and I know that this life with this man and our amazing children will be okay just as long as we keep God as our core focus.

After I gave birth to Chloe, I really didn't think I wanted another child, not because I didn't want a child. It was just so tiring and scary to think of all the logistics. Timing, potty training, raising THREE, money, and everything else that comes with having another child. But now, almost halfway through my third pregnancy I feel so incredibly thankful that God has blessed us with another child at this time in our lives. Johnnie and I are closer than we have ever been and that is because we have both fallen deeply in love with our Savior and God. I feel honored that God has entrusted us with these three angels. And my sole desire and prayer as their mother is to raise them to know, honor, obey, and live for Jesus Christ. I pray that I can be a good example as a mother, wife, and follower of Christ. I thank and Praise God daily for these children. It is because of them that I have come to know and had the desire to know Christ even more. It’s amazing how much a child can impact your life.

On our way to school yesterday the kids and I were talking. We got there a little early so we had a few minutes to just be with each other and talk. Jacob asked if we could pray. With a lump in my throat I said, “of course.” I started the prayer “Heavenly Father, thank you for today…” and Jacob finished it with,” and thank you for our friends, and teachers, and school and doughnuts, and let us have a good day, in Jesus name, AMEN!” Then Chloe said her “May-men.’ It just lit up my day and made me so thankful for the ability to share Jesus Christ with my children at such a young age.

So, yes this love is overwhelming and I am so consumed by his love.