Words can Hurt

Like I said recently, I think God is trying to teach me just how much He loves us. And He is using the greatest tool He has to get to my heart, my kids. This morning around 5:30 AM, Jacob woke up and said he wanted cartoons and milk. Well, neither Johnnie nor I wanted to get up so we were asking Jacob who he wanted to get it. He said, " Daddy, I like daddy better." BROKE.MY.HEART. Immediately a flood of thoughts come to my mind:

- I carried you and God put you together and made you who you are in MY tummy
- I gave birth to you
- I sacrificed my body, looks, and stretch mark-free skin for YOU
- I never sleep through a night because of you
- I love you more than you will ever understand
- I am your one and only mommy
- I would do anything for you

( Now I know daddy is way cooler than me- and this post is nothing against him at all)

The list could go on and on. And I know that my three year old little boy had no idea what he was saying, but still - words hurt sometimes. This made me think, " he wont appreciate me until he is a daddy waking up with his babies." And really this is probably true. I didn't truly appreciate my mom and the sacrifices she made until I became a mom.

This had me thinking - this must be how heartbroken God feels when we choose anything over him. Sin, work, friends, fleshly desires, earthly desires, money, food, whatever. How he must ache with pain and I bet he thinks, "But look what I have done for you? I am your one and only creator and father. I let MY son die for YOU. How could you treat me like this? How could you just push me to the side like this? Don't you know how much I love YOU? Don't you know I am capable of conquering all things? Don't you know you are everything to me?"

I never want to know I've caused that pain to anyone! Especially God. My creator. My savior. The only one who promises me a future and an everlasting life. I want my life to bring joy to Him and for my life to be a light to others. I want my Heavenly Father to know just how much I love Him and that He is my first priority. Because when I show my love to Him and I learn more about Him, I learn how to love others more wholly and I gain the desire to be better and to love others greater and deeper.

I hope Jacob appreciates me long before he is a daddy. And I hope that is because God has shown him how to love and how much God loves him.

I love you more.

On Wednesday I will be 33 weeks pregnant with my third child. This weekend I had a baby shower and when I was going through the gifts Sunday night it had me reminiscing over my first two babies- the excitement, the newness, the fear, the baby showers, and just all of it. As I organized the objects, I walked by Johnnie and said, "Here we go again..." It just amazes me how much has occurred in our lives in three short years.

A little over three years ago I was a first time mommy. Everything I had ever wanted in life I held in my arms. Then 20 months ago I got to experience it again, that time with a baby girl. And now I will have one more person to love in a few short weeks. It's so hard to believe I could possibly love one more person as much as I love Jacob and Chloe. In a way I am sad, because I know this time will come and go so quickly. I look at these newborn onesies, and it is hard to remember a time when Jacob or Chloe would fit in them. I have such a mix of emotions right now. I'm so excited to meet Jeremiah and see his sweet face and discover who he is. However, I also just want to cherish these last few weeks as a family of four and spend some extra special time with Chloe and Jacob. Chloe has become so attached to me lately. If she sees me even pick up my purse or say the word, "Go" she busts into tears. I think she knows what's coming and I want nothing more than for her to know how much I love her and that no one can ever take that love away. She will always be my baby girl.

It's also weird to think of all the different stages we will be going through: Newborn, Potty training, Jacob just growing into a little man. At least once a day, Johnnie or I say something like, "He's so grown up, I can't believe how mature he is getting" and "she's so smart!" And last night we were discussing moving the beds around. Baby gets Chloe's crib and Chloe will go into a big girl bed! Johnnie just about cried, he is not ready for his baby girl to grow up. And neither am I. Why can't we just pause time for a little bit? One thing I am so looking forward to is maternity leave. 6 whole weeks with all three of my babies! I can't wait. I'm sure it will be hard and tiring but I am ready.

On the way to the baby sitter today Jacob, Chloe and I were all going back and forth saying, "I love you!" , " I love you more!" " No- I love YOU more!" Nothing sweeter than your babies saying they love you. I guess that's how God feels when we genuinely express our love and gratitude for Him. I think that's why God gave people children, and maybe it's why he continues to give Johnnie and I children - so we can truly understand how he loves us and ultimately how he desires for us to love Him, who is so worthy. I know how much I love my children. I know I would go to the ends of the earth for them - so I cannot even begin to fathom how much He loves me. I don't know where I would be without these three children. No, we've never gone on many vacations, we don't have the best house or stuff, and we don't have a lot of money, but we have an awesome family that loves eachother and more importantly is continuing to fall in love with Jesus.

Summer Fun

This is what summer is about:

 Watermelon!!!!!!

 Getting feet wet in the lake!!!!

Playing with friends.... who would have thought a cooler of ice and two three year olds would be so fun!?

Johnnie

Is it weird that the more I learn about my husband, the more I watch him grow in his relationship with Christ, the more trials we go through together, and the more I watch him as a daddy-husband-son-brother-follower of Christ...the more I fall deeply deeply in love with him? Almost ten years together and I love him so much more than I ever thought possible. I can't imagine how I will feel in ten more years. I'm thankful for you Johnnie Ray and I love you more more more more.