Emotional

The only way I can really describe this year is that it has been a roller coaster of emotions and it is almost difficult to believe how much has happened in such a short time. At the beginning of the year I was about to start back to work after maternity leave. This alone brings tears to my eyes, because I can remember the sadness and anguish I felt at the thought of leaving my new baby- again. There were feelings of guilt, sadness, failure and even anger. I could even probably admit now that I was deeply depressed. I would cry every day to and from work, and all of my relationships were beginning to suffer because of this. One relationship in particular was taking a turn and this was really hurting my heart. Little did I know what God was preparing me for....

I hated my job. The hour drives to Fort Worth, the management, the company, the work, and the attitudes. Everything about it. I had some complaint every single day and it was really hard to cope. The fact that my relationship with God was basically non-existent is probably the number one reason I felt like this and couldn't cope but we will get to this later. Well, after a couple months of this I couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't fair for me, my kids, or my husband. So I started looking for work (well, I always was looking for work-something closer to the house) and of course with these times I couldn't find anything. I would "pray," but really there was a huge weight of guilt for my lack of relationship with the Lord that I felt me probably didn't want to hear my prayers and he definitely wouldn't answer them. Then one day I took a leap of faith and emailed one of the Project Managers, not mine- but the one who hired me. The one I knew was a Christian. He took me to lunch and we discussed God in our lives. I cried (of course) because I knew that relationship wasn't what it needed to be and again, the guilt arose. Well, this man wanted me to be happy and he helped to get me on a different team so that I would not be depressed anymore. It really made a difference in my attitude. Is it still I job I hate? No. Do I love it? No. But I am content and I realize now why God has put this path before me. Throughout the first few months of being on this team, we had several conversations about God. The day I remember the most went like this:

Me: I would love to go back to school, maybe even pastry school so I can open a bakery one day.
D: So do it! You would enjoy that and be great at it!
Me: I can’t do that! It's too late. I have two kids and I need to make an income. My learning days are over. This is my life. (Probably not these exact words, but it is the gist of my thoughts)
D: Courtney, that is ridiculous. You are never too old to learn.
Me: (Crying....again) I just feel like I've lost my chance, this is how life goes and I've let opportunities pass me by.
D: let’s go talk....
Me: I've messed up so much, why would God take me back? I am a failure at my relationships. I can’t do anything. I am not good at anything.
D: (I remember these words) Courtney, you are under attack and its time you tell that liar that he's wrong. It’s time for you to get angry and see who you really are.

Whoa- attack? Me??? That's scary! But, wow- I really see it now. All this time. All my life, I have believed his lies about me not being pretty enough, not being good enough, not being talented enough, a failure for not showing my kids the Lord, and most importantly not being faithful enough for God to love and take me back. And finally, I got it. And I DID get angry. And I told that evil one he is a liar and won’t allow this anymore. There is a gracious powerful God that for some reason loves me and I will not allow this evil one to control my life anymore. He's wasted too much of my time.

In the midst of all of this my wonderful new friend Lissa had recommended Stonewater Church to us and we had begun attending regularly. Johnnie, who I normally had to drag to church even enjoyed going. On August 29th, I was baptized at the city beach in Granbury and that's when this began. That's when I felt God reaching for my heart. And I began to change. And it was the beginning of a new life where I would follow and commit my heart and my work to the Lord. Once I had this revelation I knew it was time for me to be baptized. I was in and didn't want to waste time.  I knew great things were going to happen. God was working in our home and hearts and I could see it. It was truly amazing.

Saying all of this. This is definitely the premise of the emotional roller coaster. Does that mean my life now is all gum drops and lolli-pops? Um, yeah- NO. It's hard. Really hard. I am constantly convicted for my thoughts, actions, and behavior in general. And I am so grateful for it. I am so thankful to have a merciful, gracious, loving and powerful almighty father. Because without him I am nothing.

TO BE CONTINUED....