Praise You In This Storm

I've always wondered if when I go through a really tough time if I could still be able to drop to my knees and praise Him. And though this "storm" we are going through is nothing compared to what some endure in this life, it is still a difficult mountain to climb and it is what God has laid before us.

I broke down today. I think it might have been the equivalent of a panic attack/anxiety/whatever, but I have never experienced before- I am usually pretty chilled out, atleast I think I am. I was already a little on edge and jittery from my coffee, but as I was preparing my lunch I started to freak out- breathing heavily, heart pumping like crazy and a million scary " how are we going to do this?" and "how did we do this to ourselves?" questions along with uncontrollable sobbing. I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't be in control anymore, because obviously my ways just weren't working. So I ran to the bathroom, cried like a baby and just gave it up. I told God to take control, because I just cant do it anymore. And for the first time I really did just surrender this situation to him. I want to please Him. I want to honor Him. And most importantly, I want to PRAISE Him.

At the end of the day, some amazing things have happened:

A) I was shown mercy
B) An opportunity has arisen
C) I am humbled
D) I want nothing more than to drop to my knees and praise him for my failure. Praise Him for allowing my sins, failures, and poor choices to be turned into brokeness that leave me running to collapse into the arms of my Savior.

All day long, I was singing these words in my head

"I want to sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand, lay back against you and breath, feel your heartbeat, this love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melt at your feet. It's overwhelming."

It truly is overwhelming that I am loved enough to be saved. That someone so perfect and sinless died for ME. That I can be looked at as if I have done nothing wrong. I can't express my love for HIM in words. I just pray that I can always remember this every second of this life. And that I can be humbled when I think I have it figured out. And I pray that he will break me down whenever I need to be broken. Because it is in this brokenness that I draw closer to him.

So, for the title of the post, here is the song I was thinking of, Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns:


I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Bleh

I dont know what it is. Maybe the fact that Johnnie is working nights and I have a lot of alone time. Maybe it is exhaustion. Maybe it is being pregnant, not having any clothes that really fit, and being hot all the time. But I am just in a funk. Kind of sad. Kind of lonely. Just bleh. And I know what I need to do, but I feel like I have screwed up so badly I dont even know where to begin. So, really I am just sad. And I know this is wrong and does not come from up above. It actually comes from the complete opposite. But I guess I am just needing something to get me back on track...

Waiting. So, when we first found out we were pregnant and even before that- Johnnie and I decided we wouldn't find out the sex. Well here I am sitting in the sonogram room waiting on the doctor. All the while I am praying I can be patient enough to not ask the sex even though my impatient controlling self reallllly wants to know. I can do this though. I need to work on the virtue of patience. What better way? Right??? Lol

Jeriah

The other day Jacob told Johnnie and me that he had a “friend.” He sleeps with him, prays with him, reads books with him, he has blue eyes, brown hair, and his name is Jeriah. Jacob has mentioned an imaginary friend in the past, but he never gave us this much detail, so I didn’t put much stock into it. But when he told us this friends name I thought it was so unique, so I had to research it. When I googled it, I found that it means “taught by God.” I got chills. Then I looked in my bible and asked around, and it is in the Bible- but it's more so genealogicial information and there isn't that much info- it is in 1 Chronicals 26; proving that he did not learn of this name at school or at church.  Is the Holy Spirit working in the heart of my young three year old little boy? With amazement and praise I will pray to God to continue working in his heart and lead him in the path of the Lord.

And maybe this imaginary friend isn’t much of anything and I’m reading too much into it. But I believe in God and I believe in prayer and I do believe that God will capture a heart at any time he desires no matter what age… I want to dig into scripture right now.

Things that are makin' me smile

Some of my favorite things lately and just put a smile on my face:

1) Jacob calling spaghetti- "peggy" (this one took us a while to figure out what he was talking about...)
2) Chloe saying "tank-ooo" for thank-you- so stinkin' cute!
3) Jacob is constantly talking about booger's and poopoo. Yeah, this is probably gross and I should be discouraging him to talk this way, but when he looks at you and says "I love you more boogah!" You cant help but laugh at the things children find so amusing!
4) Watching my kiddos play together- nobody makes Chloe laugh like her big bubba!
5) Saying grace at dinner. Jacob usally says it and it is always interesting to hear- Chloe holds my hand super tight and says, "May-men" for Amen at the end.
6) Learning more and more of how to be a better wife and actually doing it!
7) Hearing God- he is stirring something inside me right now and I'm anxious to hear him!!!
8) Baby Kicks :)
9) The book "Crazy Love." It is so amazing and convicting!
10) Sitting on the back porch with my family in this beautiful weather grilling, playing, and eating popsicles. It has been awesome and I am so looking forward to the spring and summer!!!!

Winks from Heaven

It's kind of funny how God chooses to speak to us sometimes. Sometimes it feels like He is just sending me a little wink telling me where to turn my eyes and my heart. I've had a few today. On my way to work this morning I had a conversation with my mom and she said something that I took as a criticism of me as a mom, sister, daughter- whatever. When I got off the phone with her, I began going through different events of how I have to come to feel this way and I felt like I was living the "idle time is the devil's workshop." Yeah, he was working on me trying to get me to be upset with my mom and make it into waaaaaaay more than what it was. Then, trying to escape the thoughts, I turned up the radio on 90.9 and they were starting a sermon on criticism and how to deal with it and how, really it will never end as long as we are on this road. It kind of just made me smile back at the wink God had given me. It was as though he was saying- "it's okay, I can (WILL) help you overcome this- I got your back."

But still, me being me, I just had a wierd feeling today. I felt like I wasnt growing the way I need to be. Sometimes I just feel like I let days pass me by and I dont make the effort towards growing in Christ like I should be. And when I feel like I have failed- I tend to get really down on myself and I just get sad at my failure - which is a sin within itself. These doubts don't come from above. So, as I sat at my desk eating my lunch I read this Devotional and it gave me hope and yet another wink. It's obvious I need to be turning to scripture way more than I have been.

Then, as I was reading that blog, I was listening to some music because for me music definitely helps me to refocus. And I turned it to Sanctus Real- seemed like that kind of day. And the first song I heard was, "Forgiven" and the lyrics were definitely another wink.

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I'm reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget

In this life
I know what I've been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

I'm forgiven
I'm forgiven
And I don't have to carry
The weight of who I've been

Cause I'm forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I'll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I wrestle with my pain, struggle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

When I don't think and I don't feel like I belong anywhere
When I don't measure up to much in this life
Oh, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ.

Cause I'm forgiven

I know I am forgiven even for these sins of doubt and fear. Though I don’t deserve it, I am grateful and I should still be able to take this day as a way I have grown. I know I need to turn to scripture more and "the secrets of the kingdom" will be revealed. Though I will never measure up to Christ- I am a treasure in his arms. Glad I can feel those winks.

Overwhelmed by this love

I know I haven't posted in a loooong time. And well, it's not like I really have a following, but still I feel kind of guilty for not continuing something I started. I don't like that about myself, sometimes I have these grand ideas and then I don't always follow through. Anyway, that's not the point of this post.

I would just like to say that I am so incredibly overwhelmed by the love I feel from such an amazing, awesome, powerful heavenly Father that I have. There have been so many ups and downs, but it seems like no matter where I am I find so much peace in him. And I find so much peace in seeing how he works in our lives. Last weekend, Johnnie and I were blessed enough to go on the Marriage retreat put on by Stonewater. It was AMAZING! I feel so reconnected to Johnnie and I can really feel God's presence in our marriage. We were able to focus solely on each other and where God is and isn't in our marriage. I feel so refocused and I know that this life with this man and our amazing children will be okay just as long as we keep God as our core focus.

After I gave birth to Chloe, I really didn't think I wanted another child, not because I didn't want a child. It was just so tiring and scary to think of all the logistics. Timing, potty training, raising THREE, money, and everything else that comes with having another child. But now, almost halfway through my third pregnancy I feel so incredibly thankful that God has blessed us with another child at this time in our lives. Johnnie and I are closer than we have ever been and that is because we have both fallen deeply in love with our Savior and God. I feel honored that God has entrusted us with these three angels. And my sole desire and prayer as their mother is to raise them to know, honor, obey, and live for Jesus Christ. I pray that I can be a good example as a mother, wife, and follower of Christ. I thank and Praise God daily for these children. It is because of them that I have come to know and had the desire to know Christ even more. It’s amazing how much a child can impact your life.

On our way to school yesterday the kids and I were talking. We got there a little early so we had a few minutes to just be with each other and talk. Jacob asked if we could pray. With a lump in my throat I said, “of course.” I started the prayer “Heavenly Father, thank you for today…” and Jacob finished it with,” and thank you for our friends, and teachers, and school and doughnuts, and let us have a good day, in Jesus name, AMEN!” Then Chloe said her “May-men.’ It just lit up my day and made me so thankful for the ability to share Jesus Christ with my children at such a young age.

So, yes this love is overwhelming and I am so consumed by his love.